


Be Quillful What You Wish For

by fictionfinding



Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: Crack, Fairy Tale Retellings, Grimms' Fairy Tales 108: Hans-My-Hedgehog, Kink Meme, M/M, Transformation
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-20
Updated: 2019-01-20
Packaged: 2019-10-13 02:36:16
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17479604
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fictionfinding/pseuds/fictionfinding
Summary: Or: How Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog Aided Two Kings and Transformed Himself At Last





	Be Quillful What You Wish For

**Author's Note:**

> So if you haven't been on the journey that is the fairy tale "Hans-My-Hedgehog," here you go: http://www.pitt.edu/~dash/grimm108.html

Once, the Royal Shield of a great and powerful Kingdom was in need of a heir, for the king had newly married and was expected soon to be producing progeny of his own. The Shield and his wife, however, had had such difficulty in conceiving that one day he found himself exclaiming to his beloved dog, who had been chasing a hedgehog about the lawn, “Yet I would have a son, even were he a hedgehog!” 

Idle words do not always rest idly, however, for a suspicious stranger who had been sleeping under his hedges overheard this plea, and being rather powerful in the magic arts and more than a bit trollish, saw fit to grant his wish, and before the year reached its end, the Shield’s wife had given birth to a grotesque baby, human from the waist up, and hedgehog for the rest.

Seeing his firstborn, the Shield could only exclaim, “What have I done? Can such a creature attend the future king?”

“He cannot sleep in the crib,” said his wife, staring blankly at their strange offspring.

“He cannot nurse as a child would,” the Shield remarked.

“We shall have to call him Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog.”

The Shield was less certain, but feeling he had brought this calamity upon them, kept his peace and agreed to the name. Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog was not like other children of his age. In infancy, he was mostly content to sleep by the fire and be forgotten to the world, and so his parents had him sent to a remote estate visited only in the summer months, left in the care of their loyal retainers, the Hesters. The head of the Hester family was a tight-lipped but kind man, and as Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog grew more active with the years, he let him run freely upon the Amicitia estate, so that the creature became quite wild and enamoured with the natural world, climbing every tree, and overturning massive boulders to discover the secrets beneath.

Now, it happens that after all, the Shield and his wife conceived once more, this time finding themselves with an entirely human daughter. She was eight years the junior of her half-hedgehog brother, and five that of the young prince, but the Shield and his wife anyway thought it better they train her to take on the family mantle and not the elder brother. They brought her to the countryside estate that summer and their unfortunate son seemed rather taken with her, making foolish faces over her cot to make her laugh. Seeing this, wife and husband could come to no other conclusion but that they would better be rid of Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog sooner than later. 

Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog was not unaware of his parents’ discontent, and so came to them with a proposal. He asked for only three things: for his chocobo to be shod, for his father’s Coleman camping gear, and a harmonica. The camping gear was a wrench to give up, but as he had promised to never come back, the Shield thought he came rather well out of it, and Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog set out flop-bellied atop his great magenta steed and never darkened the doors of the Amicitia state again.

Ten years was Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog left to himself out in the great woods, living readily off the land, only longing occasionally for company to share in his contentment. Yet, freed of any to fuss over his appearance, he happily let his hair grow long and tangled, forwent the uncomfortable dress shirts forced upon his human half as a child and went this way and that wherever his heart guided him. He would scavenge for food, wrestle with spiracorns, fish in running rivers, and sit happily upon a havenstone and play his harmonica. 

It was this last habit that was to change his fate, for not long after his eighteenth birthday was the Emperor of Niflheim hunting in these woods and became quite separated from his retinue. Lost in the wood as the twilight hours came, the sound of Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog’s harmonica was a dear boon to the Emperor, who hastened toward the source of the song.

To say the he was repulsed when he discovered the originator of such a song is no frivolous interpolation, but the Emperor reasoned that if this thing was half-man it could talk and anyway it had a chocobo and a Coleman chair so it must not be entirely uncivilized.

Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog was not learned of letters or social graces, but he wasn’t entirely brawn, and realized this was a person of considerable importance. So he gamely agreed to help, but demanded the Emperor give him written promise of the first thing he saw upon returning home to his Royal Palace. The Emperor acquiesced and gave him an entirely nonsense writ, accepting help without hesitation at his own duplicity. When, courtesy of Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog’s guidance, the Emperor arrived safely back to his hunting party and then to his palace, the first thing he saw was one of his generals, Loqi of the House Tummelt, eagerly come forward to boast of some achievement or other. The Emperor thought back to the promise made to Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog and although he felt no pang at the thought of sending off the upstart, the man would make such a stink about it and anyway the contract was false, so he divulged the whole matter to the young general, who was at first indignant but later considered the Emperor rather clever.

Now, again, not long after, came the King of Lucis riding through the wild forest, for rumours had passed of Niflheim’s encroachment, and his Kingsglaive led a scouting mission to scour for evidence of such intrusion, the king himself joining them in disguise. Unfortunately, he, too, became lost in the unfamiliar, dense forest, and was called by fate to follow the jaunty sound of the harmonica Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog played. Upon meeting, the King complimented his quills and humbly asked for Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog’s assistance, who once again asked in exchange to be given the first thing the king saw upon returning to his palace, settling for an oral agreement this time since this promise was just a backup. Now, the king was rather struck by the familiarity of the half-man half-hedgehog, who resembled three people he knew rather well, and he thought it might be a bit of fun to agree and see what came of it, so he accepted and Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog abruptly led him to the edge of the forest near the Amicitia Estate, and the King considered himself quite saved.

He soon came to regret his promise, however, as after much scolding from his Shield once he had been discovered, he returned to the walls of his kingdom, and the first thing to emerge from his palace was the young advisor to his son, who wished to immediately report on his son’s illness. The illness was fortunately not very grave, and the prince was well-attended by his over-performing advisor, and required only much rest, but as the young prince lay sleeping, the King admitted his error to the young caretaker. The prince’s advisor frowned very deeply, but declared once again loyalty to the Lucis Caelum line, and in the face of the King’s concerns, claimed it was the least he could do in repayment for everything the King had provided him all these years, noting this one act could pay off three debts simultaneously, which was nicely tidy if nothing else. Seeing the advisor’s response eased the King’s guilt somewhat, and he only hoped things might turn out for the best.

Now, Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog had passed another few years alone in the forest before he felt he could no longer bear having only his chocobo to talk to, without reply, for the rest of his days, so he set out first for the kingdom of Niflheim, since it was the earlier promise and the one which would disturb his family the least. When he arrived, he lay proudly astride his steed before the gates of the capital and cried out that he was Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog, that he had the Emperor’s writ, and he was here to collect his prize. For years the soldiers of Niflheim had been given the puzzling brief that should a half-man half-hedgehog come to the gates, he should not be let in, but that the Emperor was to be fetched immediately, and so it was not very long before both the Emperor and the general Loqi stood on the walls of Gralea looking down upon his spikes. In the shortest terms was the deceit revealed and Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog ordered to leave, or be felled where he stood, and without qualm the general Loqi signalled to some of his men to unleash a volley forthwith. Lying as he was quill-side up across his steed, the arrows and shots bounced off of his spiny back, and with the addition of his chocobo’s protective rainbow charm, they escaped both unscathed. Without hesitation, Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog dismounted and ran to the pleasantly decorative pillars lining the walkway that led from the drawbridge and wrenched one up. He sent it flying to the top of the wall, knocking a row of bow and rifle-bearing soldiers to their deaths. He then called a curse down upon the Emperor and his general if they should not grant him his due, and threatened at any rate to keep hurling objects over the wall for as long as he was able to evade fire.

Feeling quite exasperated and fearful for his own life, the Emperor told the General to, “Just go down, won’t you? We’ll remedy this later.” The general was most displeased but also didn’t wish to die by curse or flying pillar, and so, with pout fixed in place, descended the wall, ordered the drawbridge to be let down, and walked pompously to where Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog awaited. Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog pulled him up behind on the magenta chocobo, and General Loqi had the most terrifying ride of his life as he tried not to get stuck by the quilled half as the chocobo cantered along. They had scarcely left the sight of the Gralean walls before Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog flopped off the steed and pulled him down, stripped him of his armor and clothing and stuck him with his quills until he was bleeding.

“Get your ass back to Niflheim and consider this your just desserts, the both of ya,” Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog spat, dashing his own harmonica against a rock and then galloping away on his chocobo towards the kingdom of Lucis. The very sorry looking general returned to Gralea in disgrace, and both he and the Emperor were disconsolate to learn as they attempted to find rest that night, that their dreams were to be haunted by broken harmonica music the moment their eyes clapped shut.

Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog gave no further thought to the kingdom of Niflheim, but instead made all haste to the beautiful walls of Insomnia, whose guards had been given the puzzling brief that should a half-man half-hedgehog come to the gates, he should be welcomed warmly and brought immediately before the king. As soon as he had the news, the King sent away his Shield on some pretext and quietly held the audience in the prince’s quarters. When the advisor at last met with his future husband, he eyed him over, declared, “It might have been worse,” and that Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog must at least wash his hair and put on a shirt before the wedding could take place that evening. This eased the King’s heart a little, and assured him his meddling might bear good fruit yet.

‘Though the notice was short, a wedding celebration was ordered to be held, and the news of the Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog’s return was broken to the King’s Shield, who contritely bore the King’s merciless pestering about concealing such a son all evening. The truth of the matter is the wedding itself was quite joyless on most parts, from the sulking prince, the remorseful Amicitia family, the forbearing advisor to the dubious Crownsguard watching warily, but the Prince’s Shield-to-be found much delight in meeting her older brother once more and they jested and danced gleefully as the musicians played even as the rest of the party remained quite sober. 

When the evening came to its close and Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog and the prince’s advisor were to retire to their rooms, the advisor disclosed some concern over the logistics of laying with someone bearing so many quills, but Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog assured him he would not be hurt, and instead issued the four Crownsguard who were to watch over their door a most strange instruction. They were to build a large fire in the fireplace, and Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog proclaimed that when he went to bed, he would remove his hedgehog skin and leave it upon the floor. The advisor expressed that a wardrobe might be more appropriate, but Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog insisted it was irrelevant as the moment he had done so, the Crownsguard were to rush into the room and thrust it into the fire. The whole proceeding seemed quite irregular, but as the night hour struck and Gladiolus and the advisor retired to bed, the four Crownsguard did exactly as instructed, and threw the hedgehog skin, quills and all, into the fireplace. Immediately it spat out black smoke, and there upon the bed was Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog, now simply, perhaps, Gladiolus Amicitia, in human form looking like the bad end of a firaga spell. After an elapsed thirty seconds and an attempted wash using the basin of water on the vanity, the worst of the soot was removed and the prince’s advisor examined his fully human and uncommonly ripped husband from head to toe, and proclaimed, “It might have been worse, really,” once more.

So Gladiolus Amicitia was forced into a pair of pants for the first time in his life, although his husband let the shirt go this once, and they went to joyfully wake up everyone with the good news of his transformation, and this time everyone at the midnight wedding feast celebrated most heartily until dawn this turn of fate, and at any rate the Shield and his wife mended ties with the son they had given up, by gifting him and his spouse rare Coleman goods for their wedding present. And as the fire that consumed Gladiolus-My-Hedgehog’s coat burns down to its lowest and bids ye good night, so this tale too comes to its end.


End file.
